tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14759940100295078232024-03-19T14:17:12.697-07:00Will Blog This is a depository of nonsense. If any of it makes you laugh then do let me know and I'll work on making it actually funny for actual people.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16520266319702114292noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1475994010029507823.post-3372387191783086692017-01-17T15:03:00.003-08:002017-01-17T15:03:59.680-08:006 people you wouldn't believe are not dead.<h3 style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">1. Lily Aliveman</span></b></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Many people believe that Lily died long many of years ago when she was hurt to dying, but here she is, alive and well, writing a novel based on the life of her friend Speck, who died.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP_vvpS6De5GwDAzPfCx3z4Pnpy8uP29fnsv57s4mh0eHkgVryh25X2adUf_UUWjmL9Pj1OQprnFmpxSwLkygZ3VY3RPlesgP9uEp15FQS0sRT0VhpAugO_3xBVkv5cclPII9pg7LOdosJ/s1600/6a00d8341ed39853ef0115723c0d7e970b-600wi.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP_vvpS6De5GwDAzPfCx3z4Pnpy8uP29fnsv57s4mh0eHkgVryh25X2adUf_UUWjmL9Pj1OQprnFmpxSwLkygZ3VY3RPlesgP9uEp15FQS0sRT0VhpAugO_3xBVkv5cclPII9pg7LOdosJ/s320/6a00d8341ed39853ef0115723c0d7e970b-600wi.jpg" width="212" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">2. Hooper</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">He made knives for a living. Big sharp long ones. And even after 'that' incident, Hooper is doing okay sort of fine. In fact, you can see him here looking well fed, on trial for his own murder.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxN6FYGPIPsUgs2s1k9UqZ5u-SJ1O1qZpfGQ6LjOVTxL2M0VYGbhbKQKiC4Ahk6BsoiPA5PUUcxf5pybVLQMYx9xzsrKFdqpZcP9wYN6FExSak6C6W5OedcJrM5HciicvLZqVnu1SeWn4n/s1600/27618368-27618368.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxN6FYGPIPsUgs2s1k9UqZ5u-SJ1O1qZpfGQ6LjOVTxL2M0VYGbhbKQKiC4Ahk6BsoiPA5PUUcxf5pybVLQMYx9xzsrKFdqpZcP9wYN6FExSak6C6W5OedcJrM5HciicvLZqVnu1SeWn4n/s320/27618368-27618368.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">3. Nikola Tesla</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Remembered as the father of rivalry, Nikola Tesla supposedly died in the past. However, and that's a big however, this picture is in colour, which he didn't invent, so he must have been alive when it was taken.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpVe2IKMncQwaN4mEgN1D1_cWWddaSyF-VqL5z_CbpfzA66Vp04ASJqagbRVLz4bncdo40RZkl18snTI7qRCAjrV7GXeJdYL6731bIanhUY40KXC2voje9QUT_H3dd_g9nixnBgdiDituh/s1600/tesla1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpVe2IKMncQwaN4mEgN1D1_cWWddaSyF-VqL5z_CbpfzA66Vp04ASJqagbRVLz4bncdo40RZkl18snTI7qRCAjrV7GXeJdYL6731bIanhUY40KXC2voje9QUT_H3dd_g9nixnBgdiDituh/s320/tesla1.jpg" width="300" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">4. Clippy</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">We always remember Clippy because he had a fling with Rihanna even though she likes guys that are with organs and are not metal and eyes and eyebrows. Clippy got married just last week though! His vows were beautiful even though his fiancee (now wife!) helped him write it.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK-tuUSoV47r1R3zjKUkIdterRWl152we0j4wNicYbPKmlkmrttFOt0T-Z28xn3rlEEzFvSnwtrq0vexUDEKtzBNPkrYLDjJXY457_EibRVRPfejVLfjBHrMxEDp4JlRjO4rib1GuUwS0J/s1600/clippy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK-tuUSoV47r1R3zjKUkIdterRWl152we0j4wNicYbPKmlkmrttFOt0T-Z28xn3rlEEzFvSnwtrq0vexUDEKtzBNPkrYLDjJXY457_EibRVRPfejVLfjBHrMxEDp4JlRjO4rib1GuUwS0J/s320/clippy.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">5. A ghost</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">We are all ghosts trapped in skin. So technically, technically, ghosts are all really little girls.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD6T8tfDWEYEiaf3E1115VcGAFrH-G3xY3bEyf_LZBdRCrTjUerEMP9FPgZ3vs8nGBd3pyqU67c8J9Qo8rlhWpiqdRHaxiDRMMw_-Nfio9rpPMtgr5rfycfTqEAMA2sh-I-DTXhKnsR3l3/s1600/790px-Young_girl_in_Mauritania.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD6T8tfDWEYEiaf3E1115VcGAFrH-G3xY3bEyf_LZBdRCrTjUerEMP9FPgZ3vs8nGBd3pyqU67c8J9Qo8rlhWpiqdRHaxiDRMMw_-Nfio9rpPMtgr5rfycfTqEAMA2sh-I-DTXhKnsR3l3/s320/790px-Young_girl_in_Mauritania.jpg" width="246" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">6. You</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">In this modern age, it is all too easy to think that you are dead, but if you take anything away from this article, it is that if you are reading clickbait, you'd might as well be died.</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16520266319702114292noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1475994010029507823.post-60624266881142776812016-06-13T20:45:00.001-07:002016-06-13T20:45:10.084-07:00Name Our States!It's November 2016 and Donald Trump has just become president of the United States of America. Hooray!<br /><br /><div>
The IT Department in the White House have just set President Trump up with a brand new intranet username and password. These are exciting times. </div>
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But oh no! Trump's been playing about in the wrong drive and accidentally deleted all the files about where the states are.</div>
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Not to worry, though. Mr. Trump was elected for good reason. He knows how to get out of a sticky situation like this one. He has delicately redrawn the internal borders of the USA as best he can from memory.<br /><br />There's only 19 here, but I'm sure you'll admit. he's done a pretty good job with the resources in front of him! (MS Paint)</div>
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Also erased were the names of the states. Oops, sorry! El Presidente Trump would be able to recall, but he's pooped out, so here's where you come in, American citizen.</div>
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Being the unquestionably democratic leader he is (he wasn't voted in for no reason, after all!), he has put the job to the public. The senate have put their minds together and come up with some possible names for the places you live. Are any of these right? Let us know!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibzpGuSl1AyhjrV6a2MtwqQS3bcCNSFj-0ECiuP5zmEWYzozqKHgaAiVZmfrV2PCefmafx5V95N2IkNhD0lM08M0-LfQ86P5Hpst0dESVcRVfIRvPJjUjOCpwV9wdNCnKZ7Vlk22NuomCg/s1600/new+usa+with+states+and+numbers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="395" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibzpGuSl1AyhjrV6a2MtwqQS3bcCNSFj-0ECiuP5zmEWYzozqKHgaAiVZmfrV2PCefmafx5V95N2IkNhD0lM08M0-LfQ86P5Hpst0dESVcRVfIRvPJjUjOCpwV9wdNCnKZ7Vlk22NuomCg/s640/new+usa+with+states+and+numbers.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<br />1:</div>
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<ul>
<li>Copiborneo</li>
<li>C-Section</li>
<li>LosLassos</li>
<li>The East</li>
</ul>
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2:</div>
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<li>Duntch</li>
<li>The Biggest and Best</li>
<li>Me</li>
<li>Winter</li>
</ul>
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3:</div>
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<li>Thierry Henry</li>
<li>Wow</li>
<li>Yours</li>
<li>Up</li>
</ul>
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4:</div>
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<ul>
<li>Alakablammo</li>
<li>Shitsville</li>
<li>No Roofs</li>
<li>THE DORCHESTER</li>
</ul>
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5:</div>
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<ul>
<li>Soap-on-a-Rope</li>
<li>Exhibition Centre</li>
<li>Welcome</li>
<li>South THE DORCHESTER</li>
</ul>
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6:</div>
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<ul>
<li>Eurasia</li>
<li>Simon Says Illinois</li>
<li>Burnt Toast</li>
<li>Dare to dream</li>
</ul>
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7:</div>
</div>
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<ul>
<li>Wildcard</li>
<li>"For Crying Out Loud!"</li>
<li>Over the sea</li>
<li>Chevrolet</li>
</ul>
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8:</div>
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<ul>
<li>East THE DORCHESTER</li>
<li>Canadon't</li>
<li>Nestle</li>
<li>A pear in a partridge tree</li>
</ul>
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9:</div>
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<ul>
<li>Wonderful</li>
<li>Parking</li>
<li>Bitcoin?</li>
<li>Smakkalap</li>
</ul>
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10:</div>
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<ul>
<li>Tax Heaven - Heaven for Taxes</li>
<li>Water waste of coastline!</li>
<li>Not on the Coast</li>
<li>Eleven</li>
</ul>
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11:</div>
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<ul>
<li>Right round, baby, right round</li>
<li>Clippy the Paperclip</li>
<li>Sweswin</li>
<li>Capital City</li>
</ul>
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12:</div>
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<ul>
<li>Big Prick</li>
<li>Gunge</li>
<li>Don'tchester</li>
<li>People</li>
</ul>
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13:</div>
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<ul>
<li>Vince McMahon</li>
<li>Hegelian Dialectics</li>
<li>The Fantastic Fourteen Thousand Six Hundred and Nine</li>
<li>The place you go to</li>
</ul>
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14:</div>
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<ul>
<li>Do-ver</li>
<li>Sorti</li>
<li>Gateway</li>
<li>New Yorkshire</li>
</ul>
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15:</div>
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<ul>
<li>The Missus</li>
<li>VilleTown</li>
<li>Croop</li>
<li>Weeing</li>
</ul>
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16:</div>
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<ul>
<li>Basically</li>
<li>Both</li>
<li>Brazil</li>
<li>States</li>
</ul>
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17:</div>
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<ul>
<li>Floridan't</li>
<li>Dadsicles</li>
<li>Police HQ</li>
<li>Holes</li>
</ul>
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18:</div>
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<ul>
<li>The Bits</li>
<li>Champagne</li>
<li>Mtn.</li>
<li>Strobe</li>
</ul>
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19:</div>
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<ul>
<li>Lesotho</li>
<li>Cup</li>
<li>The Sims</li>
<li>Olympics</li>
</ul>
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Voting will take place at your local church or synagogue on 25th December. Thank you for taking the time to help us remember those pesky place names!</div>
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Mr. Trump would like to make it known that this is considered greater service to your country than serving in any military other than our own.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16520266319702114292noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1475994010029507823.post-56184915798293299882016-04-22T08:01:00.000-07:002016-04-22T08:01:24.460-07:007 Unimpressed People you HAVE to try to impress!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAe8TQ5ccL84Ly3nRc0zBAXgKIvb00NSExz2MPZjXq7mUHHg6mmWyhYuTz71KqBOh30WRAX12vzu49cTaJzXwnhtyZoWmXgN7DVAGj2kwaG4M1vMEBRAe2fnOUW5hVpKSq4rY9cjlg7na-/s1600/3116B34B00000578-3442320-image-a-19_1455198267178.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAe8TQ5ccL84Ly3nRc0zBAXgKIvb00NSExz2MPZjXq7mUHHg6mmWyhYuTz71KqBOh30WRAX12vzu49cTaJzXwnhtyZoWmXgN7DVAGj2kwaG4M1vMEBRAe2fnOUW5hVpKSq4rY9cjlg7na-/s400/3116B34B00000578-3442320-image-a-19_1455198267178.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">1. Big deal. I've been able to whistle underwater since I were a wee lass. Next.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguSSBxJIg_iY4Dq3Q2loR22HCTF7r4yud6I6CoK3BkJ4A6ZkfwggUcdyG4z74kQfdBXf6S1gIeKK7QG-xi_Kvg-F2zuCD8-x2oNbrxN4ZjTrVYzt6ZpaLLZ8O_CihA1bU5dfW05p2vfYav/s1600/article-2514566-19ADEC0700000578-55_634x415.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="209" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguSSBxJIg_iY4Dq3Q2loR22HCTF7r4yud6I6CoK3BkJ4A6ZkfwggUcdyG4z74kQfdBXf6S1gIeKK7QG-xi_Kvg-F2zuCD8-x2oNbrxN4ZjTrVYzt6ZpaLLZ8O_CihA1bU5dfW05p2vfYav/s320/article-2514566-19ADEC0700000578-55_634x415.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">2. Yeah, you're pretty strong I guess, but I've never even heard of your music before. Try again, buddy.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQbXe6RumN2J2c4hPCYrIqQs87v4mdqIizzBg_z_jDeLANbnOgGBx25sRLwy52boO2L0ig8l5A5f8QuhwWsI_RPl2RP8n6CnOuvNLbHWlgswrgFMswNvymtexSil406U6R8owRHhpAfEYi/s1600/hqdefault.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQbXe6RumN2J2c4hPCYrIqQs87v4mdqIizzBg_z_jDeLANbnOgGBx25sRLwy52boO2L0ig8l5A5f8QuhwWsI_RPl2RP8n6CnOuvNLbHWlgswrgFMswNvymtexSil406U6R8owRHhpAfEYi/s320/hqdefault.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">3. This is just shit, mate.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi60x8lTMHUtfKOFn3xq6nmbN8fTBng1EFi561b34w00B7MsAQ-Qwvpu3Ocl-E0bv5h2i_eZmDS5Z8lPHZtOLKs4ZxPyLqbQBK3CgYRCX4BPxI92CatdZC3ntw3Fx5jtIZqvMdGvsZw3xhQ/s1600/japan_not_laugh.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="168" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi60x8lTMHUtfKOFn3xq6nmbN8fTBng1EFi561b34w00B7MsAQ-Qwvpu3Ocl-E0bv5h2i_eZmDS5Z8lPHZtOLKs4ZxPyLqbQBK3CgYRCX4BPxI92CatdZC3ntw3Fx5jtIZqvMdGvsZw3xhQ/s320/japan_not_laugh.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">4. Rome wasn't built in a day, so why should I care that you built that treehouse in two?</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3DMnias0yk8jYd8H6CSeshlOSsaLP-QamQNveudbwek2kQNxh_4qK_JoABKhPv6Ib2Fs08rnXdC5Kxc0d44enYkiX46HIBCSpHw70YeC2D7PcBJk_UQyLiAwaIgXH_yfBhXPFQ6vwdntd/s1600/MAIN-stinson.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3DMnias0yk8jYd8H6CSeshlOSsaLP-QamQNveudbwek2kQNxh_4qK_JoABKhPv6Ib2Fs08rnXdC5Kxc0d44enYkiX46HIBCSpHw70YeC2D7PcBJk_UQyLiAwaIgXH_yfBhXPFQ6vwdntd/s320/MAIN-stinson.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">5. Your blood pressure's actually pretty normal, dude. What, your leg blew off, did it? I didn't think so.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqm6dTE-8GtC7IR-YKKCv5cnAa9zkp_3Vd7WDNB97owOaVdNWmgrFL5-veNFkblqKpNCswPx5d2bHnR-U19PNkpplPHsVts1Qeuq-kmXFF4WVjsdirMbUNDfGe4E8vxiDTr1SfBdshIbjj/s1600/Milkha-Singh.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="248" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqm6dTE-8GtC7IR-YKKCv5cnAa9zkp_3Vd7WDNB97owOaVdNWmgrFL5-veNFkblqKpNCswPx5d2bHnR-U19PNkpplPHsVts1Qeuq-kmXFF4WVjsdirMbUNDfGe4E8vxiDTr1SfBdshIbjj/s320/Milkha-Singh.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">6. No, no, no, no, no! Wotsits were absolutely not your idea. I don't believe you!</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAeOFxOVrktNT-PWEVT-ZmFdXhuVeFOJqxnq6PKihWsgXaFcyz-k_ocPpAFIey_I6wwg3F-VyULlGm37ygeB-nMJb7hnU9aSg9uiRR-3TWQEOwU-lmclWzsvsWN-S4zn1wkMN1iNNOIYGd/s1600/happy-man4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAeOFxOVrktNT-PWEVT-ZmFdXhuVeFOJqxnq6PKihWsgXaFcyz-k_ocPpAFIey_I6wwg3F-VyULlGm37ygeB-nMJb7hnU9aSg9uiRR-3TWQEOwU-lmclWzsvsWN-S4zn1wkMN1iNNOIYGd/s320/happy-man4.jpg" width="256" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">7. Nice one! You finally did it!</span></div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16520266319702114292noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1475994010029507823.post-44538647677084084682016-04-14T13:38:00.002-07:002016-04-14T13:38:49.807-07:00The Newsly Day - 14.04.2016<h2>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Unsolved equations 'too easy' for school janitors</span></h2>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">As the academisation of the school system proceeds at the speed of ten, some resistance has come from a surprising source.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Matt Goodwill, of the UK Janitatorial Society, spoke out this morning about the dumbing down of curricula, the packing in of creative arts investment, and the crapping up of school lunches.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"All it's doing is making kids thick as ass. They're nowhere near the level at which it's appropriate for teachers to leave Millennium maths problems out on the notice boards"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">But education secretary Nicky Morgan retaliated fervently: "We will be assigning badges to wear"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">As nobody has any idea what this statement alludes to, or even means in its own right, the country is left perplexed as the government quashes yet another movement of resistance to the privatisation of public services.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16520266319702114292noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1475994010029507823.post-40983748162189180242016-03-13T16:13:00.002-07:002016-03-13T16:13:38.695-07:00My Week in Comedy<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This week I attended a comedy event every single night and I reviewed them all in hindsight</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Monday 07/03 - A Bunch of Japes, Smoke and Mirrors:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Small</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Tuesday 08/03 - Dial 'M' for Mustard, Bristol Improv Theatre:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Nice, good</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Wednesday 09/03 - PantoSoc's 'Goldilocks', Pegg Theatre:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">friends fun cast</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Thursday 10/03 - Bristol Underground Comedy, Loco Klub:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Comedy, mixe,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Friday 11/03 - Falstaff Revue, Lansdown Pub:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Performed, cack</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Saturday 12/03 - Chubby White's 1001 Nights, PRSC:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Laughing and </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Sunday 13/03 - Hill-arity, Brewhouse:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Sunday friendly</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16520266319702114292noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1475994010029507823.post-31362797970385629202016-02-20T15:00:00.002-08:002016-02-24T03:59:02.739-08:00The Newsly Day 20.02.16<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">New drug craze stains British cities</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Replacing
the importation of Middle Eastern opium aided by the Gulf Wars of years past,
an altogether more deadly substance has been afflicting Britain’s poorest.</span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">With the
self-sacrificial tactics of foreign extremist groups comes a frightening new
lifestyle, as reports of TNT-huffing flood into the newsroom.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The high
explosive material, popularised by the Looney Tunes cartoon characters Wile E.
Coyote and The Roadrunner, supposedly has some powerful hallucinogenic
properties. The highs are intense, but the side effects are devastating, including
brain damage, birth defects, and of course spontaneous explosion.</span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The risk
to others around TNT users is huge. During the week alone, there were three ‘bombs’,
street slang used to indicate when somebody has ingested too large a dose of
TNT and explodes when exposed to a heat source. The new trend is doubly
dangerous to innocent lives, and the police are on high alert after it was
later discovered that one of the ‘bombs’, which occurred in the US embassy on
Thursday afternoon, was in fact an </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">intentional bomb attack by the terrorist
group ISIS.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Initial
analyses of the potential spread of TNT in London alone are worrying. It is
predicted that there is enough in circulation to completely fill the Houses of
Parliament twice, and blow Big Ben up Ben Nevis and back again.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">In a
press meeting about the issue this morning Chief Constable Harry Dirt of the </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Met </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Police said, “We point the finger firmly at the Muslim community. Not just
Muslims, of course, but also Muslim sympathisers. Whoever is coming in and out
of the Middle East is suspected of carrying this substance, and the penalty is
great. For Muslims.”</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Responses
by the public to these comments have been reactionary. Sandra Klondike, leader
of the leftist group ‘Legalise TNT… Now! Please’ spoke out immediately. “Religion
has nothing to do with it. TNT is a natural material. It’s of the Earth, just
like maize or uranium or polyester. It should be our human right to use it as
we please.”</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">But as we
now hear already this Saturday evening that more than 30 clubs across the
country have been affected by ‘bombs’ as people celebrate their weekend a
little too much, is it time to really crack down harshly on the sources of the
influx of this deadly product? The thousands of dead people would probably
agree with me. That’s if they weren’t dead.</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16520266319702114292noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1475994010029507823.post-49528975130231578772016-02-19T05:29:00.000-08:002016-02-19T05:31:37.775-08:00Spotlight on Dinner - Bravas<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Last night I went to the Tapas restaurant <i>Bravas</i> on Cotham Hill, Bristol. The modest
exterior was the perfect gateway to the cosy, but bustling atmosphere within.
Jumping on the opportunity of a cancelled reservation, it was clearly a popular
joint, and it didn’t take long to see why. But enough of the décor, let’s get
to the important bit. Service was quick and it didn’t take long for the first
few dishes to arrive. The salted prawns were grilled to perfection, and my
company agreed. Next I tried the hake. I wasn’t sure what the intention was of
bringing all the seafood at once, but I’m glad they did. It was simply
orgasmic. The lamb balls came next. Expertly marinated and with a very moist
texture, they were just as delicious. The creamy potato tortilla put the ‘Bravas’
in <i>Bravas</i>, and incited in me a kind
of sexual stimulation. The suggestion of going to Bravas in the first place was
predicated largely upon their trademark aubergine fries. Well-seasoned, they
lived up to their expectation and more, and conjured images of firm ladies’
breasts. The whole palette together had me visibly turned on. I was coming out
in hot flushes, and you could have guessed I was in a brothel sandwiched
between two vagina-clad women. One critique I would have is that it wasn’t a
particularly filling array. I had to stick more into myself in the form of
dessert. Wine-cooked figs with a dark chocolate dipping sauce,
wonderfully-textured truffles, oh so not too sweet meringues with almonds, and
a fantastic cardamom ice cream. I couldn’t do anything but scream as a result
of the intense pleasure I felt. By the end of the evening my pants were what
can only be described as sodden. I was essentially filled up to my waist with my own semen.
It was one of the most satisfying evenings of dining I have ever had. <i>Bravas </i>is the finest woman of a
restaurant and I would wholeheartedly recommend it to anybody, regardless of sexual inclination, and the whole
outing was incredibly affordable.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">My rating: 10 units out of 10</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16520266319702114292noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1475994010029507823.post-34006157521316029042016-02-09T02:16:00.003-08:002016-02-09T02:16:52.720-08:00The Newsly Day 09.02.16<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 17.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Computer hackers break into NSA<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">United
States security services are on high alert this morning after a breach in the
defences of their most secure governmental department.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">The
break-in is predicted to have occurred at around 4am local time. The motive is
still unknown. Once inside, the culprits proceeded to damage company property
and tamper with employee’s date and time settings on their computers. Armed
with spray paint, messages such as “N S Gay” and “Nerd Alert!” were written on
the walls. 6 monitors are reported stolen.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Identification
of the offenders is taking longer than expected due to the security camera
footage having been removed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“They
knew exactly where to go to get the tapes from, and how to get them out of the
recording device. These guys were clearly professional hackers”, said Steve Dawson
of the Anne Arundel County Sheriff’s Department, who is leading the criminal
investigation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“We are
currently interviewing any potential witnesses and asking anybody within the
Fort Meade area with any information to come forward, be they military
personnel or the families of military personnel.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">The night-watchman
on duty, a Mr. Keith Squibb, was allegedly taken ill after eating too many
unpopped corn kernels. His absence from the front desk allowed the incident to
occur relatively unchallenged save for leaving a few lights on which possibly
deterred any lengthier intrusion.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">Despite the swift local response,
the incident does cast serious doubts over the country’s domestic security situation.
Is increasing security the answer? And will taxpayers be willing to front the
bill for some sort of keycard system or a better deadlock?</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16520266319702114292noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1475994010029507823.post-23297007347464908892016-01-25T10:59:00.001-08:002016-01-25T10:59:25.436-08:00The Newsly Day 25.01.16<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 17.0pt; line-height: 107%;">New tennis balls range marketed at dogs<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Despite
record TV audiences for grand slam tennis so far this year, top tennis brands have taken
a new approach to sales.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">A recent
poll conducted by Pets At Home found that of every ten new tennis balls sold in
the UK, nine are bought by dog owners, eight of which are given directly to the
animals (the remaining one accounting for dog owners that actually do play
tennis).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The
rebrand takes the form of an innovative new marketing campaign aimed at dogs,
with pictures of happy dogs playing tennis on the packaging. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Mr.
Wilson from <i>Slazenger</i> was delighted
at the outcome. </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">“We’ve
saved a fortune in printing costs. Black ink is much cheaper than colour.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Mr.
Slazenger from <i>Wilson</i> said: “Along
with the rebrand, the product itself has taken on a few changes. We’ve replaced
the rubber with bone, and instead of the famous green fuzz, we’ve used chicken
fat”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">We spoke
to some dogs from the east London suburb of Barking. 80% of those interviewed
responded positively with wagging tails and drooling ears. One group from the
local tennis club were less pleased, however:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">“It’s a
f**king stupid idea. I don’t care how many focus groups they held, the balls
don’t bounce anymore. What are we supposed to do? The canine lawn tennis
championships start next week!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">When
asked to comment on this injustice, Richard Head of <i>Head</i> responded: “Injustice? You really call yourself an impartial
journalist? You make me sick. Now get out of my hospital room.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The product launch takes
place tomorrow evening at a secret location in Wimbledon.</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16520266319702114292noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1475994010029507823.post-8383919834006494732015-12-06T06:50:00.002-08:002015-12-06T06:54:03.024-08:00The Newsly Day 06.12.15<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 17.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Forgotten resident frustrated<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Arthur
Madden has been living at Makeout Point for two years now. However, living in
such isolation, many of the townspeople are yet to have even met him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Now
though, he is making his presence known, holding an open forum for discussion to
get to the bottom of why his local area has been increasingly plagued by teens
looking to have their first sexual experiences in their parked cars.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Named
after reclusive 3D make-up inventor John Makeout, who lived at the same site
between the years of 1982 and 1982, the area offers beautiful night-time views
over the town from the clifftop. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">“I know
exactly what they’re talking about. It’s one of the reasons I moved here in the
first place, but I’d be more happy to see houses built here and a community
started than it be a debauched place of underage sex”, said Mr. Madden.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Local teenagers
are well aware of Mr. Madden’s house, but being presumed uninhabited, it is the
subject of local horror folklore, inspiring the recent teen slasher movie ‘Ow,
where’s my blood?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">“I
invited some friends round for a dinner party last week, but as soon as they
saw the address they must have presumed it was an invite to some kind of orgy
and bailed, which is preposterous. My orgy is next week”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">As well
as affecting his social life, the influx of horny high school students has had
other implications. “My sleeping pattern is all screwed up. Last night I woke
up to the sound of about 600 car engines”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Mr. Madden
has considered moving away, especially as his workload at the Planned
Parenthood clinic has increased a lot recently, causing further stress. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: trebuchet ms, sans-serif;">"I can't tell you how sick I am of hearing Marvin Gaye at 2 in the morning. Let's get it gone, I say".</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16520266319702114292noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1475994010029507823.post-67801195062630495112015-12-04T00:57:00.000-08:002015-12-04T00:59:49.510-08:00The Newsly Day 04.12.15<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 17.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">‘So you
think it’s a choice?’ Student speaks out against intolerance<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">“The scientific evidence is clear”, says third year
physicist Callum as he explains to me the results from his project on lasers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Callum has been the subject of a lot of attention at the
University this week, after a video he published online gathered a lot of
attention.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">“Being liberal is a part of my life I can’t change or deny”,
he continues. “Since I came out to them about voting labour back in May, my Dad
and Dad have been really supportive”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">University life has not treated Callum well though, as hostility
towards liberal students </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">(or, liberalism) is rife around the University.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">“I’ve been called a lot of things over the last few years: ‘Politically
Bent’, ‘Organic Fruit’, and more recently, ‘Corbyn-f*cker’. Somebody once called
me a ‘Champagne Socialist’, but I have no idea how the champagne industry
works, so I wouldn’t even know where to begin reorganising it under a collectivist
ideology.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Callum’s <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2c7YwvBJOU"><span style="color: blue;">video</span></a> was in response to
the University of Bristol Bestiality Society’s controversial anti-liberal themed
Christmas soir<strong><span style="background: white; border: 1pt none windowtext; font-weight: normal; padding: 0cm;">é</span></strong>e, scheduled to take place ‘as soon as possible’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The Newsly Day deplores this sort of
discriminatory attitude, and encourages liberal and ambivalent students alike
to join Callum’s protest sail down the Avon this weekend, meeting at the
Waterfront at 6pm next Friday for a protest march.</span></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16520266319702114292noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1475994010029507823.post-21854385122408938422015-12-02T03:08:00.001-08:002015-12-04T01:07:35.111-08:00The Newsly Day 02.12.15<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 17.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Have you seen this man?</span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">A
darkness looms over Bristol this week as yet another missing person’s report is
filed with the Avon and Somerset Constabulary.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Local
weather personality Mr. Sonny Day was last seen for a short spell in Clifton
last Tuesday afternoon whilst buying a raincoat from a charity shop.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">In a
press conference held last Friday, Temporary Chief Constable Gareth Morgan
delivered a heartfelt call for information from the public. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">“We
encourage all members of the public to be on the lookout for Mr. Day over the
holiday period. He is a tall, cheerful and very bright man, and our community
is saddened </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">by his disappearance.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Reporting
from Cabot Circus late afternoon on Saturday, the public interest in the issue
was clear, many shoppers heard to be saying out loud “where has the day gone?”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The Newsly Day shares this sentiment, asking to our readers, where indeed has Day gone? If you have any information as to his whereabouts, please contact the police on 101, quoting reference 8100DY-FR33Z1N9.</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16520266319702114292noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1475994010029507823.post-27788397018229624572015-12-01T03:00:00.003-08:002015-12-04T01:06:02.025-08:00The Newsly Day 01.12.15<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 17.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Taylor Swift being sued by NHS<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">A case
has been filed by the National Health Service against the international pop
icon Taylor Swift. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The
lawsuit follows her plagiarism of the popular 1980s AIDS awareness campaign
song with her recent single ‘Bad Blood’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The song
in question features such lines as ‘Band-aids don’t fix bullet holes’, an
almost exact replica of the original ‘Band Aid won’t fix needle holes’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Swift
(female, American) has been involved in similar scandals in the past, such as </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">R&B artist Jesse Graham <a href="http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/music/musician-sues-taylor-swift-42-mil-shake-article-1.2418802"><span style="color: blue;">suing her for $42 million</span></a> regarding the lyrics of her song ‘Shake It Off’</span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">, and the little reported case of
</span><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZVCFcR1LOng"><span style="color: blue; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Swift versus goat</span></a><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Ian
Dilks, chair of the NHS Litigation Authority said: “We’ve had over 175,000
lawsuits filed against the service this year alone. Suing a rich and famous pop
star seems like the perfect way to recoup some of our losses”.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Mr.s Swift has been unavailable for comment so far, but her lawyers are allegedly already drafting reports of emotional damage and emotional negligence.</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16520266319702114292noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1475994010029507823.post-70173158834047847192015-11-30T13:58:00.000-08:002015-11-30T14:00:05.928-08:00The Newsly Day 30.11.15<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 17.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Tragedy at <i>Nando’s</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Two male
friends, Thomas Bro and Steven Lad, were struck with grief when they suddenly
died at a <i>Nando’s</i> restaurant in
Bristol last night after consuming poisoned meat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">A
backlash against the chain has formed on Twitter under the hashtag #deadlynandos.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Wagamama’s</span></i><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> has reportedly attempted to
capitalise on the outrage with their own hashtag #nonlethalwagamamas. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">In
response, <i>Nando’s</i> Restaurants<sup>TM</sup>
Corp. Ltd. Corp. have publicly declared a new nationwide kitchen policy to check
every meal for poison, and to warn the customer if found.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The
friends and families of Thomas and Steven were suspicious that something may have
been wrong when they weren’t receiving the usual barrage of selfies, instafoods
and dick pics of them having what they coined a “Cheeky Nando’s Meal”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">A
funeral service will be held this Sunday at St. Paul’s Church, followed by an
open reception in the church hall, graciously catered by <i>Nando’s</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16520266319702114292noreply@blogger.com0