The Newsly Day 06.12.15

Forgotten resident frustrated

Arthur Madden has been living at Makeout Point for two years now. However, living in such isolation, many of the townspeople are yet to have even met him.

Now though, he is making his presence known, holding an open forum for discussion to get to the bottom of why his local area has been increasingly plagued by teens looking to have their first sexual experiences in their parked cars.

Named after reclusive 3D make-up inventor John Makeout, who lived at the same site between the years of 1982 and 1982, the area offers beautiful night-time views over the town from the clifftop.

“I know exactly what they’re talking about. It’s one of the reasons I moved here in the first place, but I’d be more happy to see houses built here and a community started than it be a debauched place of underage sex”, said Mr. Madden.

Local teenagers are well aware of Mr. Madden’s house, but being presumed uninhabited, it is the subject of local horror folklore, inspiring the recent teen slasher movie ‘Ow, where’s my blood?’

“I invited some friends round for a dinner party last week, but as soon as they saw the address they must have presumed it was an invite to some kind of orgy and bailed, which is preposterous. My orgy is next week”.

As well as affecting his social life, the influx of horny high school students has had other implications. “My sleeping pattern is all screwed up. Last night I woke up to the sound of about 600 car engines”.

Mr. Madden has considered moving away, especially as his workload at the Planned Parenthood clinic has increased a lot recently, causing further stress.

"I can't tell you how sick I am of hearing Marvin Gaye at 2 in the morning. Let's get it gone, I say".

The Newsly Day 04.12.15

‘So you think it’s a choice?’ Student speaks out against intolerance

“The scientific evidence is clear”, says third year physicist Callum as he explains to me the results from his project on lasers.

Callum has been the subject of a lot of attention at the University this week, after a video he published online gathered a lot of attention.

“Being liberal is a part of my life I can’t change or deny”, he continues. “Since I came out to them about voting labour back in May, my Dad and Dad have been really supportive”

University life has not treated Callum well though, as hostility towards liberal students (or, liberalism) is rife around the University.

“I’ve been called a lot of things over the last few years: ‘Politically Bent’, ‘Organic Fruit’, and more recently, ‘Corbyn-f*cker’. Somebody once called me a ‘Champagne Socialist’, but I have no idea how the champagne industry works, so I wouldn’t even know where to begin reorganising it under a collectivist ideology.”

Callum’s video was in response to the University of Bristol Bestiality Society’s controversial anti-liberal themed Christmas soirée, scheduled to take place ‘as soon as possible’.

The Newsly Day deplores this sort of discriminatory attitude, and encourages liberal and ambivalent students alike to join Callum’s protest sail down the Avon this weekend, meeting at the Waterfront at 6pm next Friday for a protest march.

The Newsly Day 02.12.15

Have you seen this man?

A darkness looms over Bristol this week as yet another missing person’s report is filed with the Avon and Somerset Constabulary.

Local weather personality Mr. Sonny Day was last seen for a short spell in Clifton last Tuesday afternoon whilst buying a raincoat from a charity shop.

In a press conference held last Friday, Temporary Chief Constable Gareth Morgan delivered a heartfelt call for information from the public.

“We encourage all members of the public to be on the lookout for Mr. Day over the holiday period. He is a tall, cheerful and very bright man, and our community is saddened by his disappearance.”

Reporting from Cabot Circus late afternoon on Saturday, the public interest in the issue was clear, many shoppers heard to be saying out loud “where has the day gone?”

The Newsly Day shares this sentiment, asking to our readers, where indeed has Day gone? If you have any information as to his whereabouts, please contact the police on 101, quoting reference 8100DY-FR33Z1N9.

The Newsly Day 01.12.15

Taylor Swift being sued by NHS

A case has been filed by the National Health Service against the international pop icon Taylor Swift.

The lawsuit follows her plagiarism of the popular 1980s AIDS awareness campaign song with her recent single ‘Bad Blood’.

The song in question features such lines as ‘Band-aids don’t fix bullet holes’, an almost exact replica of the original ‘Band Aid won’t fix needle holes’.

Swift (female, American) has been involved in similar scandals in the past, such as R&B artist Jesse Graham suing her for $42 million regarding the lyrics of her song ‘Shake It Off’, and the little reported case of Swift versus goat.

Ian Dilks, chair of the NHS Litigation Authority said: “We’ve had over 175,000 lawsuits filed against the service this year alone. Suing a rich and famous pop star seems like the perfect way to recoup some of our losses”.

Mr.s Swift has been unavailable for comment so far, but her lawyers are allegedly already drafting reports of emotional damage and emotional negligence.