Saturday, 20 February 2016

The Newsly Day 20.02.16

New drug craze stains British cities

Replacing the importation of Middle Eastern opium aided by the Gulf Wars of years past, an altogether more deadly substance has been afflicting Britain’s poorest.

With the self-sacrificial tactics of foreign extremist groups comes a frightening new lifestyle, as reports of TNT-huffing flood into the newsroom.

The high explosive material, popularised by the Looney Tunes cartoon characters Wile E. Coyote and The Roadrunner, supposedly has some powerful hallucinogenic properties. The highs are intense, but the side effects are devastating, including brain damage, birth defects, and of course spontaneous explosion.

The risk to others around TNT users is huge. During the week alone, there were three ‘bombs’, street slang used to indicate when somebody has ingested too large a dose of TNT and explodes when exposed to a heat source. The new trend is doubly dangerous to innocent lives, and the police are on high alert after it was later discovered that one of the ‘bombs’, which occurred in the US embassy on Thursday afternoon, was in fact an intentional bomb attack by the terrorist group ISIS.

Initial analyses of the potential spread of TNT in London alone are worrying. It is predicted that there is enough in circulation to completely fill the Houses of Parliament twice, and blow Big Ben up Ben Nevis and back again.

In a press meeting about the issue this morning Chief Constable Harry Dirt of the Met Police said, “We point the finger firmly at the Muslim community. Not just Muslims, of course, but also Muslim sympathisers. Whoever is coming in and out of the Middle East is suspected of carrying this substance, and the penalty is great. For Muslims.”

Responses by the public to these comments have been reactionary. Sandra Klondike, leader of the leftist group ‘Legalise TNT… Now! Please’ spoke out immediately. “Religion has nothing to do with it. TNT is a natural material. It’s of the Earth, just like maize or uranium or polyester. It should be our human right to use it as we please.”

But as we now hear already this Saturday evening that more than 30 clubs across the country have been affected by ‘bombs’ as people celebrate their weekend a little too much, is it time to really crack down harshly on the sources of the influx of this deadly product? The thousands of dead people would probably agree with me. That’s if they weren’t dead.

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