The Newsly Day - 14.04.2016

Unsolved equations 'too easy' for school janitors

As the academisation of the school system proceeds at the speed of ten, some resistance has come from a surprising source.

Matt Goodwill, of the UK Janitatorial Society, spoke out this morning about the dumbing down of curricula, the packing in of creative arts investment, and the crapping up of school lunches.

"All it's doing is making kids thick as ass. They're nowhere near the level at which it's appropriate for teachers to leave Millennium maths problems out on the notice boards"

But education secretary Nicky Morgan retaliated fervently: "We will be assigning badges to wear"

As nobody has any idea what this statement alludes to, or even means in its own right, the country is left perplexed as the government quashes yet another movement of resistance to the privatisation of public services.

The Newsly Day 20.02.16

New drug craze stains British cities

Replacing the importation of Middle Eastern opium aided by the Gulf Wars of years past, an altogether more deadly substance has been afflicting Britain’s poorest.

With the self-sacrificial tactics of foreign extremist groups comes a frightening new lifestyle, as reports of TNT-huffing flood into the newsroom.

The high explosive material, popularised by the Looney Tunes cartoon characters Wile E. Coyote and The Roadrunner, supposedly has some powerful hallucinogenic properties. The highs are intense, but the side effects are devastating, including brain damage, birth defects, and of course spontaneous explosion.

The risk to others around TNT users is huge. During the week alone, there were three ‘bombs’, street slang used to indicate when somebody has ingested too large a dose of TNT and explodes when exposed to a heat source. The new trend is doubly dangerous to innocent lives, and the police are on high alert after it was later discovered that one of the ‘bombs’, which occurred in the US embassy on Thursday afternoon, was in fact an intentional bomb attack by the terrorist group ISIS.

Initial analyses of the potential spread of TNT in London alone are worrying. It is predicted that there is enough in circulation to completely fill the Houses of Parliament twice, and blow Big Ben up Ben Nevis and back again.

In a press meeting about the issue this morning Chief Constable Harry Dirt of the Met Police said, “We point the finger firmly at the Muslim community. Not just Muslims, of course, but also Muslim sympathisers. Whoever is coming in and out of the Middle East is suspected of carrying this substance, and the penalty is great. For Muslims.”

Responses by the public to these comments have been reactionary. Sandra Klondike, leader of the leftist group ‘Legalise TNT… Now! Please’ spoke out immediately. “Religion has nothing to do with it. TNT is a natural material. It’s of the Earth, just like maize or uranium or polyester. It should be our human right to use it as we please.”

But as we now hear already this Saturday evening that more than 30 clubs across the country have been affected by ‘bombs’ as people celebrate their weekend a little too much, is it time to really crack down harshly on the sources of the influx of this deadly product? The thousands of dead people would probably agree with me. That’s if they weren’t dead.

The Newsly Day 09.02.16

Computer hackers break into NSA

United States security services are on high alert this morning after a breach in the defences of their most secure governmental department.

The break-in is predicted to have occurred at around 4am local time. The motive is still unknown. Once inside, the culprits proceeded to damage company property and tamper with employee’s date and time settings on their computers. Armed with spray paint, messages such as “N S Gay” and “Nerd Alert!” were written on the walls. 6 monitors are reported stolen.

Identification of the offenders is taking longer than expected due to the security camera footage having been removed.

“They knew exactly where to go to get the tapes from, and how to get them out of the recording device. These guys were clearly professional hackers”, said Steve Dawson of the Anne Arundel County Sheriff’s Department, who is leading the criminal investigation.

“We are currently interviewing any potential witnesses and asking anybody within the Fort Meade area with any information to come forward, be they military personnel or the families of military personnel.”

The night-watchman on duty, a Mr. Keith Squibb, was allegedly taken ill after eating too many unpopped corn kernels. His absence from the front desk allowed the incident to occur relatively unchallenged save for leaving a few lights on which possibly deterred any lengthier intrusion.

Despite the swift local response, the incident does cast serious doubts over the country’s domestic security situation. Is increasing security the answer? And will taxpayers be willing to front the bill for some sort of keycard system or a better deadlock?

The Newsly Day 25.01.16

New tennis balls range marketed at dogs

Despite record TV audiences for grand slam tennis so far this year, top tennis brands have taken a new approach to sales.

A recent poll conducted by Pets At Home found that of every ten new tennis balls sold in the UK, nine are bought by dog owners, eight of which are given directly to the animals (the remaining one accounting for dog owners that actually do play tennis).

The rebrand takes the form of an innovative new marketing campaign aimed at dogs, with pictures of happy dogs playing tennis on the packaging.

Mr. Wilson from Slazenger was delighted at the outcome. “We’ve saved a fortune in printing costs. Black ink is much cheaper than colour.”

Mr. Slazenger from Wilson said: “Along with the rebrand, the product itself has taken on a few changes. We’ve replaced the rubber with bone, and instead of the famous green fuzz, we’ve used chicken fat”.

We spoke to some dogs from the east London suburb of Barking. 80% of those interviewed responded positively with wagging tails and drooling ears. One group from the local tennis club were less pleased, however:

“It’s a f**king stupid idea. I don’t care how many focus groups they held, the balls don’t bounce anymore. What are we supposed to do? The canine lawn tennis championships start next week!”

When asked to comment on this injustice, Richard Head of Head responded: “Injustice? You really call yourself an impartial journalist? You make me sick. Now get out of my hospital room.”

The product launch takes place tomorrow evening at a secret location in Wimbledon.

The Newsly Day 06.12.15

Forgotten resident frustrated

Arthur Madden has been living at Makeout Point for two years now. However, living in such isolation, many of the townspeople are yet to have even met him.

Now though, he is making his presence known, holding an open forum for discussion to get to the bottom of why his local area has been increasingly plagued by teens looking to have their first sexual experiences in their parked cars.

Named after reclusive 3D make-up inventor John Makeout, who lived at the same site between the years of 1982 and 1982, the area offers beautiful night-time views over the town from the clifftop.

“I know exactly what they’re talking about. It’s one of the reasons I moved here in the first place, but I’d be more happy to see houses built here and a community started than it be a debauched place of underage sex”, said Mr. Madden.

Local teenagers are well aware of Mr. Madden’s house, but being presumed uninhabited, it is the subject of local horror folklore, inspiring the recent teen slasher movie ‘Ow, where’s my blood?’

“I invited some friends round for a dinner party last week, but as soon as they saw the address they must have presumed it was an invite to some kind of orgy and bailed, which is preposterous. My orgy is next week”.

As well as affecting his social life, the influx of horny high school students has had other implications. “My sleeping pattern is all screwed up. Last night I woke up to the sound of about 600 car engines”.

Mr. Madden has considered moving away, especially as his workload at the Planned Parenthood clinic has increased a lot recently, causing further stress.

"I can't tell you how sick I am of hearing Marvin Gaye at 2 in the morning. Let's get it gone, I say".

The Newsly Day 04.12.15

‘So you think it’s a choice?’ Student speaks out against intolerance

“The scientific evidence is clear”, says third year physicist Callum as he explains to me the results from his project on lasers.

Callum has been the subject of a lot of attention at the University this week, after a video he published online gathered a lot of attention.

“Being liberal is a part of my life I can’t change or deny”, he continues. “Since I came out to them about voting labour back in May, my Dad and Dad have been really supportive”

University life has not treated Callum well though, as hostility towards liberal students (or, liberalism) is rife around the University.

“I’ve been called a lot of things over the last few years: ‘Politically Bent’, ‘Organic Fruit’, and more recently, ‘Corbyn-f*cker’. Somebody once called me a ‘Champagne Socialist’, but I have no idea how the champagne industry works, so I wouldn’t even know where to begin reorganising it under a collectivist ideology.”

Callum’s video was in response to the University of Bristol Bestiality Society’s controversial anti-liberal themed Christmas soirée, scheduled to take place ‘as soon as possible’.

The Newsly Day deplores this sort of discriminatory attitude, and encourages liberal and ambivalent students alike to join Callum’s protest sail down the Avon this weekend, meeting at the Waterfront at 6pm next Friday for a protest march.

The Newsly Day 02.12.15

Have you seen this man?

A darkness looms over Bristol this week as yet another missing person’s report is filed with the Avon and Somerset Constabulary.

Local weather personality Mr. Sonny Day was last seen for a short spell in Clifton last Tuesday afternoon whilst buying a raincoat from a charity shop.

In a press conference held last Friday, Temporary Chief Constable Gareth Morgan delivered a heartfelt call for information from the public.

“We encourage all members of the public to be on the lookout for Mr. Day over the holiday period. He is a tall, cheerful and very bright man, and our community is saddened by his disappearance.”

Reporting from Cabot Circus late afternoon on Saturday, the public interest in the issue was clear, many shoppers heard to be saying out loud “where has the day gone?”

The Newsly Day shares this sentiment, asking to our readers, where indeed has Day gone? If you have any information as to his whereabouts, please contact the police on 101, quoting reference 8100DY-FR33Z1N9.

The Newsly Day 01.12.15

Taylor Swift being sued by NHS

A case has been filed by the National Health Service against the international pop icon Taylor Swift.

The lawsuit follows her plagiarism of the popular 1980s AIDS awareness campaign song with her recent single ‘Bad Blood’.

The song in question features such lines as ‘Band-aids don’t fix bullet holes’, an almost exact replica of the original ‘Band Aid won’t fix needle holes’.

Swift (female, American) has been involved in similar scandals in the past, such as R&B artist Jesse Graham suing her for $42 million regarding the lyrics of her song ‘Shake It Off’, and the little reported case of Swift versus goat.

Ian Dilks, chair of the NHS Litigation Authority said: “We’ve had over 175,000 lawsuits filed against the service this year alone. Suing a rich and famous pop star seems like the perfect way to recoup some of our losses”.

Mr.s Swift has been unavailable for comment so far, but her lawyers are allegedly already drafting reports of emotional damage and emotional negligence.

The Newsly Day 30.11.15

Tragedy at Nando’s

Two male friends, Thomas Bro and Steven Lad, were struck with grief when they suddenly died at a Nando’s restaurant in Bristol last night after consuming poisoned meat.

A backlash against the chain has formed on Twitter under the hashtag #deadlynandos.

Wagamama’s has reportedly attempted to capitalise on the outrage with their own hashtag #nonlethalwagamamas.

In response, Nando’s Restaurants^TM Corp. Ltd. Corp. have publicly declared a new nationwide kitchen policy to check every meal for poison, and to warn the customer if found.

The friends and families of Thomas and Steven were suspicious that something may have been wrong when they weren’t receiving the usual barrage of selfies, instafoods and dick pics of them having what they coined a “Cheeky Nando’s Meal”.

A funeral service will be held this Sunday at St. Paul’s Church, followed by an open reception in the church hall, graciously catered by Nando’s.